I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
only you would photoshop your dick
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
