So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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