What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
