The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
