i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
