where am i from again
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
