I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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