You just made me feel so damn special
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
