Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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