peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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