you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
