I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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