I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
