My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
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