I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
