you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
