one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
