I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
