i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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