He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You left your phone here
Wait...
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