Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize