i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize