i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
