We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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