Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
