dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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