Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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