i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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