i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize