you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
