I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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