I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
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