Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
