Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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