I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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