Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So squirting runs in the family.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
