Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
