I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
