It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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