i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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