sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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