I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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