omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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