when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
