$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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