I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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