ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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