yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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