I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
