haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
